Chords:
{title: Ernie The Fastest Milkman In The West}
{artist: Benny Hill}
{key: C}
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8e1xvyTdBZI
{c: }
You could [C] hear the hoof beats pound as they raced across the ground,
[Am] And the clatter of the wheels as they went 'round and 'round.
And he [F] galloped into Market Street, his badge upon his chest,
His name was [G] Ernie, and he drove the fastest milk cart in the [C] west.
Now [C] Ernie loved a widow, a lady known as Sue,
She lived [Am] all alone in Lily Lane at number 22.
They [F] said she was too good for him, she was haughty, proud and chic,
But [G] Ernie had his cocoa there three times every [C] week.
They called him [C] Ernie, ([Am] Ernie),
And he [F] drove the fastest [G] milk cart in the [C] west.
She [C] said she'd like to bathe in milk, he said, "All right, sweetheart,"
And [Am] when he'd finished work one night he loaded up the cart.
He [F] said, "you wanted pasteurised? 'Coz pasteurised is best,"
She says, "[G] Ernie, I'll be happy if it comes up to my [C] chest."
And that tickled old [C] Ernie, ([Am] Ernie),
And he [F] drove the fastest [G] milk cart in the [C] west. (Ah-Ooh)
{c: Half tone key change up ignored}
Now Ernie [C] had a rival, an evil-looking man,
Called T[Am] wo-Ton Ted from Teddington and he drove the baker's van.
He [F] tempted her with his treacle tarts and his tasty wholemeal bread,
And when she [G] seen the size of his hot meat pies it very near turned her [C] head.
[C] She nearly swooned at his macaroon, and he said "now if you treat me right
You'll have [Am] hot rolls every morning and crumpets every night"
He [F] knew once she'd sampled his layer cake he'd have his wicked way
And all [G] Ernie had to offer was a pint of milk a [C] day
[C] Poor Ernie ([Am] Ernie),
And he [F] drove the fastest [G] milkcart in the [C] west. (Ah Ooh)
One [C] lunch time Ted saw Ernie's horse and cart outside her door,
It [Am] drove him mad to find it was still there at half past four.
And as he [F] leapt down from his van, hot blood through his veins did course,
And he [G] went across to Ernie's cart and he didn't half kick his [C] 'orse.
Whose name was [C] Trigger, ([Am] Trigger),
And he [F] pulled the fastest [G] milk cart in the [C] west.
Now [C] Ernie rushed out into the street with his gold top in his hand,
He [Am] said, "If you wanna marry Susie you'll fight for her like a man."
"Oh, [F] why don't we play cards for her?" he sneeringly replied,
"And [G] just to make it interesting we'll have a shilling on the [C] side."
Now [C] Ernie dragged him from his van and beneath the blazing sun,
They [Am] stood there face to face, and Ted went for his bun.
But [F] Ernie was too quick, things didn't go the way Ted planned,
And a [G] strawberry-flavoured yogurt sent it spinning from his [C] hand.
Now [C] Sue, she came between them and she tried to keep them apart,
And [Am] Ernie pushed her aside, and a rock cake caught him underneath his heart.
And he [F] looked up in pained surprise, as the concrete hardened crust
Of a [G] stale pork pie caught him in the eye and Ernie bit the [C] dust.
Poor [C] Ernie, ([Am] Ernie),
And he [F] drove the fastest [G] milk cart in the [C] west.
[C] Ernie was only 52, he didn't wanna die,
Now he's [Am] gone to make deliveries in that milk round in the sky.
Where the [F] customers are angels and ferocious dogs are banned,
And a [G] milkman's life is full of fun in that fairy, dairy [C] land.
But a [C] woman's needs are manifold and Sue, she married Ted,
But [Am] strange things happened on their wedding night as they lay in their bed.
Was [F] that the trees a-rustling? or the hinges of the gate?
Or [G] Ernie's ghostly gold tops a-rattling in their [C] crate?
They won't forget [C] Ernie, ([Am] Ernie),
And he [F] drove the fastest [G] milk cart in the [C] west.
